The Joy of Rambling

go on with my day as if nothing is changing and all is well?

In the middle of my Bible devotional this morning I got a call back from the hospice company I reached out to for Jim. The care and comfort in the man’s voice gave me pause. Yes, it’s his job to be this way, but he sounded personally concerned for me because I’m living with a loved one who is dying. And that just about broke me. It’s not like I haven’t known Jim is dying. I can hardly get him to eat or drink. He sits in his chair most of the day covered with a blanket and heater by his feet, complaining about how cold he is. This is death waiting to be given a voice. But for me it’s just another day of caregiving. I explore my creative passions through art and music as he dozes off and on. I’ve found more time for creativity since he’s declined to this stage, and I’ve welcomed it. But this morning it hit me that the other side of my newfound time, is the end of time for him. Time’s up! Put your pencils down. And when time is really up for him, I will probably put away my paints and gently close the lid on my piano. At least for a while. 

This is what all my fellow caregivers call ambiguous grieving. Grieving a loss while the person is still with you. There is no end to the pain of it until the end comes, and then you wish the grief was still ambiguous.